Be warned, this post has spoilers if you want to watch the movie...
(Alice wakes up in a shower)
AUDIENCE: We saw this in the first movie.
(Alice turns the corner and walks into the laser hall where half the cast of the first movie died.)
AUDIENCE: Oooh, this is different.
(Through a variety of acrobatics, Alice jumps up into the vent, shimmies down a ventilation shaft, and eventually gets killed by an obscure trap that pops up out of the floor.)
BAD GUY: Meh, toss her corpse.
(Claire Renfield and company from the second movie travel through the desert.)
CLAIRE: Hey, look, a hotel. Go check it out, guys.
(Mike Epps goes and gets bitten by a zombie.)
MIKE: Ouch, that hurt. Okay, it's clear.
(After a night of casual sex, everyone wakes up to alarms being set off by Edgar Allan Poe's worst nightmare...Ravens times two to the power of ∞ - 1.)
EVERYONE: Oh, shit, a Hitchcock homage.
(Birds freak out, kill one-third of the cast. Alice shows up and causes a giant fireball in the sky.)
CLAIRE: What the fuck?
ALICE: Evidently, I'm telekinetic now.
CLAIRE: Hmm...I'm going to go be moody now.
(Meanwhile in a different Umbrella hive.)
RED QUEEN #2: Hey, bad guy, I can detect psychic people now.
BAD GUY: Cool. Let me go borrow these extras from "28 Weeks Later" and send them to go kill Alice.
(Some plot stuff happens.)
CLAIRE: Okay, we have a choice. We can live, or we can go on a roadtrip to Vegas.
EVERYONE: Woohoo! Roadtrip! Take it off!
(Everyone arrives in Vegas. Zombies pop out of a freight container, all wearing the exact same outfit.)
PAUL W.S. ANDERSON: See, we wanted to replicate the experience of playing a video game with limited texture memory here, so...
AUDIENCE: Shh...we want to see Alice kick ass!
(Alice kicks ass.)
BAD GUY: She's kicking too much ass. Hit the PAUSE button.
(Henchman picks up his DUALSHOCK(tm) 2 controller and hits PAUSE. Alice stands still. Another third of the cast dies.)
HENCHMAN: Oh, shit, she's going Psycho Mantis on our ass!
(Alice unpauses herself and kills all of the bad guy's henchmen.)
BAD GUY: Run away!
(Bad guy gets bitten by one of his borrowed extras from "28 Weeks Later" and gets flown off to the Vegas hive.)
ALICE: Okay, now that enough people are dead, let's go get a helicopter to fly everyone else away.
(Alice goes and gets a helicopter for everyone else, then goes down into the Vegas hive.)
ALICE: Funny, it looks like I'm playing "Doom 3" on the Xbox...guess I don't need to worry about vertical aiming.
RED QUEEN #2: Not so fast, Alice.
ALICE: Hey, holobitch, whazzup?
RED QUEEN #2: Dr. Isaac...
RED QUEEN #2: I think you call him "bad guy."
ALICE: Ah, okay. Go on.
RED QUEEN #2: "Bad guy" has turned into a bad extra from Japanese tentacle porn.
ALICE: Great...maybe now we can earn this "R."
(Very anticlimactic battle occurs.)
ALICE: Cool. Now let's show hundreds of clones of me so we can set up for "Resident Evil 4."