September 23, 2007

"Resident Evil: Extinction" in 60 Seconds [Spoilers]

Be warned, this post has spoilers if you want to watch the movie...

(Alice wakes up in a shower)

AUDIENCE: We saw this in the first movie.

(Alice turns the corner and walks into the laser hall where half the cast of the first movie died.)

AUDIENCE: Oooh, this is different.

(Through a variety of acrobatics, Alice jumps up into the vent, shimmies down a ventilation shaft, and eventually gets killed by an obscure trap that pops up out of the floor.)

BAD GUY: Meh, toss her corpse.

(Opening credits.)

(Claire Renfield and company from the second movie travel through the desert.)

CLAIRE: Hey, look, a hotel. Go check it out, guys.

(Mike Epps goes and gets bitten by a zombie.)

MIKE: Ouch, that hurt. Okay, it's clear.

(After a night of casual sex, everyone wakes up to alarms being set off by Edgar Allan Poe's worst nightmare...Ravens times two to the power of ∞ - 1.)

EVERYONE: Oh, shit, a Hitchcock homage.

(Birds freak out, kill one-third of the cast. Alice shows up and causes a giant fireball in the sky.)

CLAIRE: What the fuck?
ALICE: Evidently, I'm telekinetic now.
CLAIRE: Hmm...I'm going to go be moody now.

(Meanwhile in a different Umbrella hive.)

RED QUEEN #2: Hey, bad guy, I can detect psychic people now.
BAD GUY: Cool. Let me go borrow these extras from "28 Weeks Later" and send them to go kill Alice.

(Some plot stuff happens.)

CLAIRE: Okay, we have a choice. We can live, or we can go on a roadtrip to Vegas.
EVERYONE: Woohoo! Roadtrip! Take it off!

(Everyone arrives in Vegas. Zombies pop out of a freight container, all wearing the exact same outfit.)

PAUL W.S. ANDERSON: See, we wanted to replicate the experience of playing a video game with limited texture memory here, so...
AUDIENCE: Shh...we want to see Alice kick ass!

(Alice kicks ass.)

BAD GUY: She's kicking too much ass. Hit the PAUSE button.

(Henchman picks up his DUALSHOCK(tm) 2 controller and hits PAUSE. Alice stands still. Another third of the cast dies.)

HENCHMAN: Oh, shit, she's going Psycho Mantis on our ass!

(Alice unpauses herself and kills all of the bad guy's henchmen.)

BAD GUY: Run away!

(Bad guy gets bitten by one of his borrowed extras from "28 Weeks Later" and gets flown off to the Vegas hive.)

ALICE: Okay, now that enough people are dead, let's go get a helicopter to fly everyone else away.

(Alice goes and gets a helicopter for everyone else, then goes down into the Vegas hive.)

ALICE: Funny, it looks like I'm playing "Doom 3" on the Xbox...guess I don't need to worry about vertical aiming.
RED QUEEN #2: Not so fast, Alice.
ALICE: Hey, holobitch, whazzup?
RED QUEEN #2: Dr. Isaac...
RED QUEEN #2: I think you call him "bad guy."
ALICE: Ah, okay. Go on.
RED QUEEN #2: "Bad guy" has turned into a bad extra from Japanese tentacle porn.
ALICE: Great...maybe now we can earn this "R."

(Very anticlimactic battle occurs.)

ALICE: Cool. Now let's show hundreds of clones of me so we can set up for "Resident Evil 4."

(End credits.)


The Bare Nessecities said...

Pure Greatness!!! I have yet to see the movie, have no interest in seeing this movie, but you know the wife will make me sit thru it at some point *sigh* Perhaps I will be able to make my escape when said movie shows up in my house!!

The Bare Nessecities said...

Better Question,

WAS IT WORSE THEN WOLF CREEK??? *glares at Yvonne and StaCee*

Okie said...

Beautiful review...I'll still eventually see it. Good to know that your spoilers didn't really spoil anything. ;)

If anybody goes into this film expecting cinematic greatness, they're watching for all the wrong reasons. ;)